As the holiday approaches, I am keenly aware of the close friends, colleagues, and family who will experience this season different than ever before.
My grieving heart ♥️
The expansive void in my chest left a hole from the back to the front as though it had been shot. With a slug that went straight through. Covered only by a thin tattered band-aid crisscrossed over each other on both sides leaving a mistaken appearance of a whole chest to the blinded eye.
Every once in a while I feel the flutter of my heart to remind me of the beating it does. Other times it’s hollow & empty where the echo of my tears & silent screams bounce off the sides of my chest into the wilderness in which I walk. I hear the echo fade as I listen intently looking for the way out. Just before I find the clearing it’s gone.
Grief.
Grief is an interesting emotion. It fades in and out over time but doesn’t seem to ever leave. It alters the timeline of life so distinctly there is a before and an after.
Living in the after is a myriad of emotions. Sometimes I don’t realize what’s changed until I participate in an activity all too common in the before. Then I realize suddenly with a sharp sting how long it’s been since I did. Holidays, especially Christmas, are ripe for those moments.
Baking sugar cookies & decorating them at the table is one of those moments for me. As I drove to the store to purchase the supplies I felt determined and resolved that it was time.
Baking & decorating with three toddlers is no easy feat. As we put up the tree & lights with little helpers my heart healed. Even in the chaos of it all. I realized that for three long seasons I had gone through the motions of my favorite holiday missing the elements I cherish so dearly.
I have given gifts & received gifts. Been thankful for my many blessings in this life. God has been good to me. Better than I deserve. His love has remained faithful and true through it all. He has comforted & given peace.
I’ve experienced joy, love, and Christmas cheer. It’s been masked with a deep grief I’ve lacked respect for, understanding of, and words to describe. All along Jesus walked beside me, held me, comforted me, and carried me. In all the ways I let him. As an onion peels back layers my heart has layer by layer exposed itself to a gracious loving God who has never failed me.
Healing.
Healing is an interesting journey. One that begins with forgiveness. Wraps itself in compassion. Releases in trust.
This Christmas while I pray from a special place in my heart for those I love as they experience many firsts on the journey of a grieving heart, I am thankful. Thankful for the hand of my Savior to guide me.
My friend, as you sit at the table with someone missing. As you shop and gravitate toward gifts for that special someone you’re missing most. When you walk out of a room suddenly overwhelmed by deep grief & sorrow as tears pour down your face surprised & scared. For all the moments, traditions, and little things you miss without realizing you’re unable to. For every broken place hidden beneath the layers of your grieving heart.
I pray today in each step along the journey way you will find Jesus more. In the special way that only he can reach you.
My grieving heart has found the healing journey to begin this Christmas in prayer for you.
“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.”Psalm 126:5-6
”The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Bobbie
