I’m tattered and bruised. Limping as I walk from the injury to my right hip. Barely alive. Shallow breaths are almost too much effort. I hurt in places I did not know existed until the ache told me they did. This body is tired and worn. Again.
I wonder. Does everyone know. As they watch me make my way to the front one more time. Do they see the heavy load. Does their heart pity mine. How can one be this broken and still crawl, let alone walk.
You see, I am in a war I never asked for. The battle is raging around me with such intensity I cannot comprehend all that is before me. I am hunkered down in the bunker trying to strategize my next move fearful it will be my last. The stakes are high. I cannot afford to lose.
My armor feels heavier than before. Every other battle I have arrived suited up with polished armor ready to engage. The sacrifice of preparation has served me well. I have known victory in times that defeat seemed inevitable.
This battle is different.
I feel malnourished, ill prepared, heavy hearted, and covered in half my armor although it weighs more than my whole suit. My belt is slipping. The helmet ill-fitting and tight around my ears. This breastplate offers only restrictive breathing. My shield is thin. These shoes have holes in them creating blisters on my soles. Worse yet, my sword is dull. How can I even fight. Without armor, the effort is futile.
I will have forfeited the battle thus losing the war.
I. Just. Cannot. Quit.
Because I cannot quit, slowly, I make my way to the front. Tear stained puffy eyes lead my way. Exhaustion is my theme. Determination is my song. One day. One day I will sing it loudly with great joy. One day.
But, today, I will crawl to the altar as I feel the weight of every burden I bear. There is but one place for me to lay my burdens down. One place. The feet of Jesus. Trouble is, I keep picking them back up. I must. Otherwise, why would I need to return week after week. Walking with the same limp. All the way to the front. Again.
Tattered and bruised. Heavy. Slow. Limping. Crawling. Hurting. But hungry. Hungry for the one thing that makes this life palatable. The one thing that eases my pain. The presence of Almighty God. If I could just touch the hem of his garment as he walks by. Just one thread. Just one.
When you see me, please don’t judge me.
I am fighting a war I did not know I was in and barely understand the rules by which we have engaged in battle.
I am doing the only thing I know to do. Come back. Stand up. Engage one more time. Shout with a voice of triumph, even if, my voice cracks and my knees wobble.
“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT
I do not know how to fight the battle. But I know the one who does. I know the one who is above all creation as the creator. I know the one who reigns victorious. The One.
Please don’t judge me as I make my way the only way I know how. Crawling. Limping. Crying. With pieces of my heart in my hands seeping through the gaps in my fingers.
This is but for a moment. The war is already won. God is faithful and true. His love never fails. He never forsakes. I might be oppressed, broken, bruised, and trouble all around me. But I know the author and finisher of my faith. He tells me joy comes in the morning. He tells me that he is the solid rock upon which I stand. He tells me I am his child. The daughter of the King of Kings.
Please don’t judge me as I make my way to the front, lay my face on the altar seeking his face, humbly submitting my brokenness into the potters hand. I am unfinished. A work in progress. I am a mess to be cleaned up, washed from the inside out, and carried when the steps become too much.
Please, don’t judge me.
Please, just love me.
You don’t know the battle I face.
“Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
Ephesians 6:10-12
