I’ve attempted to write this blog for no less than 3 weeks. I’ve written it. Carried it around with me. Written it again. Life has been full. Overwhelming at times. Chaotic other times. Honestly, I would love to say that’s cause for the delay.
But I would be lying. To you and me. Because it’s not.
Reality is, I’ve struggled. Struggled with my message. Personally. Internally. To convince myself that the word God gave me is true for me. And, what does it mean for me. Just what does it mean to my situation.
And what about the deep empty hollow ache in my chest. The one I carry with me everywhere I go. It’s always there. In every conversation. As it sits in the background of my heart just waiting to surface. Every now and again a tear will sneak down my face and catch me off guard. Raw. Unfiltered. Emotion.
That One Situation
The one I would give anything and everything to fix. Regardless of the cost.
We all have it. That one hurt that cuts the deepest. Leaving a scar bigger than all the others. My wound bears a thing layer of covering almost giving the appearance it’s healed. Fragile but covered. Really what lies beneath is a gaping hole of torn up jagged edges that cuts deep in my soul.
A wound I’ve given time and time again. Boldly claimed victory over. Firmly stood in faith at the expense of people telling my I’m in denial & refuse to accept what’s real.
Feeling the constant draw to do more.
And then I hear five words in a sermon that struck me. Instantly I added them to a page in my journal. As I pondered them in my heart day after day.
“It’s okay to be desperate”
This is where I’ve gotten myself stuck. I’ve wept. Begged. Grieved. Refused to accept anything less than the victory I’ve been promised. So, I’ve stood on the mountain looking at my situation and wept. But didn’t move from my place of weeping. I froze. When what I really need to do is carry the load down the mountain to the valley and go to work. In preparation for the victory.
As I pondered what that meant I was reminded. Jesus prepared all week taking care of what needed to be done before he was crucified. He sought God every day leading to his crucifixion. Then he defeated death, hell, and the grave so it was all done for the victorious moment of his resurrection. Before he descended from the mountain to begin the week of work leading to his crucifixion he stood and wept over Jerusalem. But then he proceeded down the mountain knowing the work ahead.
I ask you…
What is your one wound? The one thing you’ve longed for most of all. That takes your breath away. If you hold your breath long enough you’re praying the ache will go away. It’s that one battle that leaves a hold in your chest where your heart sits.
Are you standing paralyzed and afraid to be desperate. Desperate doesn’t mean you don’t believe. That you’re without faith. And it doesn’t mean you don’t praise or worship. But it does mean you are willing to give and do WHATEVER it takes.
Fasting.
Seeking.
Fervent prayer.
Surrender your daily human emotion of fear.
I am. Are you?
My baby who isn’t a baby anymore is desperately dependent on it. And it hurts. Hurts deeper than I have words for. I can’t. I can’t bear the thought of freezing, giving up, or surrendering to an already defeated enemy. So, I won’t. I will be desperate.
My God is able. I am standing in his promise. Choosing Faith. Praising in this storm. And worshipping because he is worthy.
And, in the middle of all of that.
I AM DESPERATE.