I cried today

I cried today

I always hate to cry. It makes me feel weak. And I don’t like to be weak. I’d much rather be strong and in control regardless of the circumstance. 

So, I push my feelings aside. Deny them place. Refuse to acknowledge. Push through. Until the moment when I can’t. Then they sneak out of my eye in the form of a tear. Or two. Or plenty more. 

Today, I cried. I let the hidden emotions of my heart surface. As soon as i started to cry I released the weight of the burden. I felt it. But i wondered. If I would be able to stop crying. 

As the tears flowed for just a few minutes I took in short big breaths trying to maintain some level of control. 

I cried today for my team. My team of nurses, providers, and ancillary healthcare staff that are scared, worried, and yet still come to work to care for the sick. 

I cried today for my friends and loved ones who worry for themselves and their families. 

I cried today for my friends and colleagues who despite all of this have received other life altering diagnosis and plans. As if standing on the frontlines in the face of a pandemic isn’t enough.

I cried today for our service men and women who are deployed from their families during this time to report for duty. I cried for their fears. And I cried for their families. 

I cried today for our community. Our community who may or may not know what is here in front of them. Those that are scared. Those that struggle everyday just to survive and now they can’t even do that. 

I cried today for my church family. I grieve our time together. I miss them. 

I cried today for my extended family. Wondered when one would be diagnosed and if they will survive. 

I cried today for my family at home. For many many reasons. Cried knowing that one day I will go to work and won’t return for a time. Because I’ll need to stay. They won’t understand. 

I cried today because I want to protect. And I can’t.

I cried today because I want to control what is happening. And I can’t. 

I cried today. 

What I’ve discovered about myself along this journey is the refusal to acknowledge my feelings means I don’t submit them. Which means I carry them. 

I carry them pushed down right under the surface of my heart and mind. They are heavy. They hurt. And they eat away at me. 

They aren’t mine to carry. 

As I cried I released them. The fear, anxiety, worry, hurt, and grief. I let the perfect love of Jesus fill the hole in my heart with peace, comfort, joy, and truth. 

These times are hard. Hard for all of us. Hard for different reasons but hard the same. As we walk this journey we don’t walk it alone. We are all uncertain. We feel anxious and scared. Maybe even some anger and frustration. We all grieve what we’ve lost. The normalcy of life. 

Friend, we don’t walk this alone. As isolating as it can feel. We walk it with a God who hasn’t changed. A God who knew what we were facing ahead. A God who made a way before we knew we needed a way. A loving God who carries our burdens for us if we will give them to him. A God who stands in the storm with us bringing us peace. A God who is present in our homes, our hearts, and our families the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

Today I want to encourage you to cry. Cry and release the weight of the burden. Let the joy, love, peace, and comfort of your God replace the holes in your heart from worry. 

Today and in the days ahead I will choose Faith over fear. That may mean I have to cry and release so Faith can fill in the void where fear was. 

Faith over fear. 

Much much love. Bobbie