There are days I am awestruck that I accomplish anything. Personally. Professionally. In ministry. Anything at all.
Because I am a mess.
I’ve been known a time or two to describe my mess as a hot mess. There is a difference between a regular mess and a hot mess. At least, I think there is.
Last evening I held it together pretty well. I was a little impressed by my ability to do so. Until this morning. Then I realized how little I actually held anything together. Tears flooded down my face the ENTIRE drive this morning. At first, I wasn’t sure where they came from. It didn’t take long until I realized they were from the fractured place in the wall of my heart. The one that twinges my chest with pain. With. Every. Beat.
Yesterday, we said yes. Probably should have said no. But, we said yes. Because I just couldn’t. Couldn’t give tough love.
Is the answer always supposed to be no. I’m not sure. When do we show mercy, give grace, compassionately love at the expense of ourselves. When is that no and when is it yes. I honestly have no idea. So, we wing it from time to time.
Before you get lost in the well-intentioned advice you’re feeling compelled to share, please don’t. They are rhetorical questions. We have walked through hell on this journey for more years than we care to count. Admittedly, we have failed at times along the way.
We’ve given tough love when we shouldn’t have.
Enabled when we shouldn’t have.
Indulged when we shouldn’t have.
Cried when we shouldn’t have.
Succumb to anger when we shouldn’t have.
Through it all, well-intentioned advice has never once been useful or helpful.
Prayer always has. So, please do, we welcome and covet your prayers.
I asked her, are you sad because it’s okay if you are. Do you miss her because it’s okay if you do. With quiet sad eyes she responded, it’s okay momma, I have you.
And, the wall of my heart fractured as I answered, it is okay because I have you and you’ll always have me.
I. AM. A. MESS.
This morning, I cried and cried. As I pulled myself out of my pity party back into reality, I thanked God for an unfair life.
Life is hard. It’s unfair. This earthly journey is FULL of sorrow.
But, right smack in the middle of my hot mess, God gives me opportunity to serve and do his work. While I’m busy doing his work, he is busy doing miraculous work on my behalf. My human eyes might struggle to see it in the moment through the lens of my fractured painful heartbeat. But make no mistake, his word remains true even when I hurt.
Life is hard. It’s unfair. My earthly journey is NOT where I get my joy. He is.
Today, as I continue to be awestruck that I accomplish a single thing in the middle of my mess, I am reminded, that it is He who accomplishes it all through me.
Because of who he is, I will continue to sow through my tears. Confidently knowing that I can rest in his shadow made whole by his presence.
“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who
goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return
with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him”
Psalm 126:5-6
Friend, when your life is so messy it feels like a hot stinky pile of garbage, go out in your tears and sow for the glory of your Lord. While you busy yourself working for him, he is busy working miraculously FOR YOU. Bobbie
profound thoughts