Hurt So Big

Silence. Awkward silence. I’ve always known awkward silence to be mistakenly understood as a lack of emotion or level of disengagement. Until I experienced it so very differently for myself. And then I pondered it in my heart for days after and experienced it over and over again. This morning I will share with you my lesson learned.

I sat there silent. She walked by. Obviously angry but more so very distant. So close. Yet so far away. For only a few moments of time. A few moments that felt like they were frozen in time. My heart paused in my chest where a deep hollow ache proceeded to consume the space where only moments ago felt like life. Hurt so big.

Normal life had been happening. Well, as normal a life as possible. Because the ache is always right there. Under the surface of everything we do. And that’s when I realized, in that very moment, the lesson I’d just learned.

Silence. Awkward silence. Certainly does not mean there is a lack of emotion or a level of disengagement. As a matter of fact, it can and does mean the opposite. Quite the opposite actually.

The silence present for those few moments of time was full of deep emotion. Emotion so deep it couldn’t come out in words or actions. Frozen still with a hollow ache that consumed a chest where a heart beat only moments ago.

More Lesson…

As the days carried on the lesson got a little more real. I’ll share.

Everywhere I turn there are people all around who carry hurt. A variety of wounds. Either way they are all burdens. Heavy burdens. We carry them differently but they are really all the same. Hurt so big. So big we often don’t know what to do with the hurt or how to process the hurt. How to live in the hurt. Actually, I’ve decided that it’s impossible to live in the emotion of the hurt. At least I can’t. And here is where the second half of the lesson came.

I sat in silence as she walked by. Hurt so big.

People say I should do this or that. They don’t know. Neither do I. Hurt so big.

I’ve heard what I should have done differently before. They don’t know. Neither do I. Hurt so big.

I live with regrets for mistakes and flaws of my life that are easily attributed to the hurt of children. Hurt so big. For me. For them.

And, I walk with judgment from others for all of my flaws and mistakes. Because we all do. Hurt so big.

A HURT SO BIG I FEEL SICK INSIDE

The best part of the lesson learned…

Here is the best part of the lesson I learned.

The burden of my regrets aren’t mine to carry.

The burden of my hurt isn’t mine to carry.

The big heavy burden of every mistake I’ve knowingly and unknowingly made isn’t mine to carry.

As I hurt, He comforts.

As I regret, He gives mercy.

As I am flawed, He gives grace.

As I seek, He is there.

As I knock, He answers.

As I ask, He forgives.

The lesson I want to share and implore upon each of you is simply and purely this. Our God is the answer. He gives mercy, comfort, grace, ever-present help in our time of need, answers, wisdom, forgiveness. Every tool we need to bring healing, forgiveness, restoration, and beauty for every filthy ash of our lives. Even the ones that Hurt So Big they take our breath away and leave a sick feeling inside.

His word says, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.

The key to his rest is that we come to him. We bring our burdens to him. Take his yoke and learn from him. There we will find rest.

I am thankful this morning and every morning that he gives rest. Rest for my soul. Rest for yours. The burden you carry isn’t yours to carry.

Be blessed.

Bobbie