I struggle to see her. Because I do not know her. I do not recognize her. She is a distant figure of someone that shares my name. Yet, I have never met her. I am not even sure how to navigate my steps toward her although I see her faded image.
Her shadow lingers in the corner of the room so she must be close by. Do I walk toward her. Or wait here until she finds me. Waiting feels safer. Walking into the dimly lit unknown space is far more risky. I feel it. I’m hesitant. Holding back. My heart tells me to proceed one foot in front of the other.
I desire to trust.
I struggle to trust.
I do not want to struggle.
I want to run.
Yet, here I stand.
You say I am chosen. You say I am not forsaken. You say I am not alone. You say I am safe. You say I am yours.
I hear you.
I want to believe you.
The doubts in my head are taunting me as I try to convince myself to trust. The self administered pep speech has failed to motivate me beyond desire.
Because…
I fear.
I fear who you say I am.
I fear that you will know how unworthy I am and it will all be a sham.
I fear falling on my face.
I fear the journey.
I fear letting go of my fears.
I fear, most of all, failing you, because I do not deserve you.
“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.”
Psalm 37:23-26 KJV
Submission to you is the next right step. Fully, wholeheartedly, no holding back submission. A depth of submission that is goes so far below the surface of who I am, that when I rise, I am unrecognizable, even to myself.
That my testimony would tell only the story of a forgiven sinner redeemed by a loving Savior.
That my life would tell the story of who you are to the lost and dying world.
That the very fiber of my heart would become a heart like yours, loving the unlovable.
That my thoughts would be fixed on your goodness in pursuit of your thoughts.
That my eyes would see through the compassionate forgiven lens of love you see the lost and dying world through.
That my words would plant seeds of life and peace into broken hearts seeking truth.
That the very essence of my existence would embody your holiness serving the world as the temple of your living sacrifice.
Oh, God, I cannot see her the way you do. I cannot even imagine finding her. Let my steps be directed, by you, as I cross the dimly lit room in search of who you say I am. One foot in front of the other, I will walk, knowing that you are with me, in front of me, beside me, and behind me. When I am weary and struggle to find my way, you will carry me.
When you tell me to walk, let me walk.
When you tell me to stand still, let me be still.
When you tell me to sit, let me sit.
When you tell me to run, let me run.
When you tell me to fall so you can catch me, let me fall freely into your loving arms.
When you call my name, let me hear your still small voice above all the other noise.
“O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men. For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain. Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:1-24 KJV
