Circa 1985
10 years old. The first real vacation ever taken, outside of visiting grandparents. My dear aunt and uncle took me to North Carolina for 14 days. I’ll never forget the summer heat. It was like no other I had experienced before. We ate fast food, slept on the couch, and stayed up late. All the stuff I never got to do at home. Cherished memories. My precious aunt & uncle, who took me on vacation, had no idea the immense pain I carried that summer. They had no idea what they meant to the little girl in this picture. They were my safety net.
As I stated at this old picture, I remembered a journey, that started not long before this photo. One of immense pain and tremendous healing, I pray it blesses you.
By the time we had gone that summer, so much life had been lived, especially for the tender age of 10. A lot, I truly could not process until years, and I mean, years, later. I thought it was my fault. Somehow I had responsibility for the act of a grown adult. You see, I had already had my innocence robbed from me by the filthy hands of a sinful man who served himself at my expense. I had never even heard of such crude acts before. I carried the weight of his sin. Buried it deep in the soil of my heart. Where it didn’t belong.
Life changed. I desired, strongly, to be hidden. Unseen. Covered. Protected. Desperately, I tried to achieve those things for myself and my sisters. As any young child would, I failed at times and succeeded other times. The failures were the worst. Sad. Hurt. Angered. Shamed. They became my identity. Or, so I thought.
The years passed by and time went on. I met my husband, had children, and carried it all under the surface of my heart. The deeper I buried it, the more I convinced myself I had healed and moved on. Until that one day, that one moment, that sudden realization that I had not healed at all became undeniable. It was right there, as though the lava of pain had been heating up in the volcano of my heart, all those years. Tears flooded. Breathing became difficult and shallow. Panic nearly set in. Sitting on the edge of my bed as an adult with adult children. There it was. Right. There.
As any unhealed person would, I squared my shoulders, breathed in, breathed out, and went to the kitchen to make dinner. I said not a word. That would have been too much.
Thankfully, just in the divine moment I needed it most, God intervened. He brought a minister who worked specifically in the ministry of forgiveness and healing into my life. We talked. I wrote my list of stuff I needed to forgive. Almost complete, I wrote one last name. My own. I had harbored undue anger and resentment at myself all those years for something I had no responsibility for.
We prayed together. Time felt as though it stood still that night. God loved. God moved. God comforted. God healed. Pieces of my broken heart I had pretended were not broken, began the restoration phase. The kind of restoration only God can do. If you’ve ever been that broken, you know what I’m talking about. I went home, changed.
I knew I had truly forgiven and experienced healing a few years later. At my grandfather’s funeral. I saw the man that hurt me. I saw him through different eyes.
Did we acknowledge each other? No.
Did I make a public service announcement to spite and gain revenge? No.
Did we fake like friends? No.
Did I introduce my children to him? No.
We had not reconciled. I had forgiven. My part. Compassion filled my heart. I prayed for him. Prayed for his soul. Prayed that the great mercy extended through grace of a loving just God, would guide him to an altar of repentance before it was too late. Eternity is where it matters.
That is when I knew. God, through forgiveness, had healed my broken heart.
Sister, forgiveness is our part. Not because they deserve it. Not because they ask for it. Not because you weren’t hurt. The adversary of your soul desires you to hold the hurt. To justify the anger and resentment harbored in your heart. He desires this because it keeps you captive. Captive to the pain. Captive to the suffering. Unhealed. Wounded. Bitter.
Forgiveness is what we are called to because forgiveness is where God works. He bore our sin and shame on the cross as the spotless lamb, while we were yet IN SIN and for those who may never seek repentance, he paid the price for their sin the same. We are called to be like Christ. Forgive, like Christ. Not because he doesn’t know you hurt, rather, because he knows you hurt and he desires to HEAL YOU.
Healing comes through forgiveness.
So beautiful. So powerful. What an awesome God we serve. He takes EVERYTHING the enemy meant for evil and turns it to good.
Whatever it is, whatever the hurt, give the forgiveness. Let the just sovereign God handle the problem as he will justly rule and wholly heal.
A 💔 becomes ❤️.
